natasha please read this

sorry for not replying for so long. I decided to pull an allnighter thursday to do my terrible assignment, and then slept for most of yesterday so much that I missed seeing mark :( 

I don’t think I want to ask which post it was.. but I guess I know. I can’t say I expected it to turn up on your dashboard because those type of posts usually annoy you on your dash.. I’ve recently (well for the past couple of months?) stopped tagging my stuff because I don’t like people reblogging really personal stuff. Getting notes was cool at first but not really.. I’d rather it was about something else. I don’t know if I’d have looked if it was the other way round, but I can’t say I wouldn’t have looked so I can’t really blame you. Why was it obvious though? I don’t get it.. you said I’m a closed book. I know you didn’t send her the link, thank you. I don’t know if you got my text, but I freaked out about Jess’ texts because she had asked me to call her repeatedly each one getting more upset than the next, and I hadn’t picked up. I didn’t know what it was about, and I didn’t think it was about this, I was just really panicking because she sounded upset. 

Actually, I tried to tell you.. but I couldn’t figure out how. I guess I tried to tell all of you and I finally told Lily some stuff but it could have been any of you really.. it was just her who I was texting at the time when it sort of burst out. And don’t worry, I don’t really want comfort or help. But you are a lot better at that sort of stuff than you think :) honestly. I looked at the blogs out of curiosity and I love the fact that Vegan is on the list along with everything else :’)

Actually, I don’t know how far back you read etc, but my parents actually know about some of this sort of stuff (not my tumblr obviously) and if they aren’t too worried, you shouldn’t be either. I don’t need to go to a doctor, I’m honestly fine. And I don’t actually have a mental illness. Yeah, I probably have some symptons for stuff but not everyone who has symptons has the illness. Plus I wouldn’t know what to say.. I’ve never been to the doctors about anything without my mum. And I wouldn’t know where to start. They’d be like what’s wrong and I’d be like uhhhhhhhh for about ten minutes which is the length of the appointment. 

What did the advice say? I’m sorry that it made you angry.. what were you planning to say? or have you covered it on here? I’m sorry. I would love to not hate myself, my body and my personality but it’s not like I have a choice and to be honest it’s probably drives me more mad than it drives you.. we can get angry about how we both hate that I hate myself if you want. I’m sorry.. but I’ve never liked myself, have I? It’s not like you didn’t know what you were getting into when we made friends. Yeah I have got worse about some things.. but I’ve had more years to think about it. When I first read this I thought you were saying we couldn’t be friends anymore. I still can’t tell if that’s what you meant but I don’t think it is. But honestly I don’t think I could live without you and I will do whatever it takes so that we can still be friends. 

You’re not a bitch and I’m not pissed off at you. I only posted it on my Tumblr because I was really curious as to whether you would look at it again.. and it seemed like the easiest way to check. I figured only you would see it because no one is going to be searching for me via url. Sorry if you thought I was publicly attacking you or whatever. 

I literally don’t know if you’ll actually find this.. but anyway sorry for changing my url..

If you actually found it from my book name I’m proud of you.. but I take it that’s not how you found it? I’d prefer it if you didn’t look for it again but I guess you’ll be able to find it incredibly easily again.. I think after knowing my first url you can find it very easily.

Out of millions of blogs how on earth did you find the ONE blog I didn’t want you to find? I don’t get it. But seeing as how you won’t tell me how you did it, I take it wasn’t in the nicest of ways :S

If you really want my url, you have to answer my questions. I wouldn’t have changed it if you just answered them in the first place.

What do you know/what did you read?

How long have you known it for?

How did you find it?

WHY didn’t you tell me, like you say you didn’t know how to tell me, but you read it because you care but like, reading my blog, and then doing nothing about it, doesn’t help.. like you’ll know when and if I’m not okay and then you couldn’t help because you don’t want to admit you read my blog? That seems essentially pointless.

I have to say I don’t think it was petty waiting until you were drunk to ask you. When you found something that had my most private thoughts that I had specifically asked you not to look for and not tell me that you’ve been reading it and also say you’re going to send the link to one of my other friends, I have every right to be pissed off at you but I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to ruin the last time I get to see you in a month. I waited until you were drunk because I didn’t have the guts to do it when you were sober and I thought you might think the stuff I had written there was less stupid when you were drunk because I know a lot of what I post is kind of stupid.. I was nervous and ashamed and I felt sick but I am sorry if I upset you.

It helps me having a place where I can write stuff that probably next to one will see if I don’t tag it and hide it under a read more. Idk what to say about what you saw. If you want to ask me anything or talk to me about it feel free.. It’s easier answering questions that starting conversations about it.. idk… Sorry for being crazy and stupid and selfish and the worst person on the entire planet.. and I know I don’t deserve friends like you guys but for some reason I have you.

Sorry if I’ve said the wrong thing or something.. habit..

It would be great if you could reply to this, if you see it?

I less than three you.